Archive for the ‘contentment’ Category

Melody, Stars, & Golden Barley

Posted: September 13, 2012 in answers, belief, certainty, choosing faith, contentment, found, patience, relationships, secrets, the universe, unconditional love
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The golden tips of the barley grass now reach above the old worn fence posts. In the evening, when the sun shines just right I swear it looks like spun strands of honey. Even the bees buzzing around them seemed confused, but they flit through them trying to catch the sunlit treasure anyway.

I can’t imagine a more peaceful place.

The fire licks the log. Though resistant, its smoldering edges eventually succumb to ancient embers, still showing signs of life from the burning man she created the night before. The ash of which circles the old wheelwell in gray-white reverence.

And… I can’t imagine a more peaceful place.

When the sun finally falls beneath the misty mountains, a milk sky of stars begin to form. Their twinkle is no map to some distant land. No, they’ve already led these weary travelers to their final destination. We lay beneath them, pointing out the constellations… or making up our own… because this sacred land can only be found by those who know the stars never move, but stay constant and fixed even when the largest of their kind come out to greet the day.

Still… I can’t imagine a more peaceful place.

The soft melody playing in the background dronws out a passing train. Its clickety-clack reminds us that adventure is a steel track away and waiting for us to venture down it. The knowledge soothes us, but fails to move us because we’ve seen that world. Its hustle and bustle isn’t suited for hearts that find more beauty in the twined flight of hawks overhead than the patchwork of cars roaring by.

Did I mention…? I can’t imagine a more peaceful place.

He gets the laundry while she sits next to me sketching another masterpiece. Soon he’ll find the words to describe his latest adventure. I wait patiently, watching the his long distant gaze into the now dying flames. I know he sees something hidden within them, but he’s not ready to share those secrets. So, again I write of the melody, and stars, and golden barley, and passing trains.

A more peaceful place I can’t imagine.

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“What with all my expectations long abandoned
My solitary nature notwithstanding…”

I said it, I meant it… then, now and always.

 

Dove-Strung

Posted: February 24, 2012 in belief, contentment, heart, love, relationships, something new, stars
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Tentative moon

swooning at the night

flight of the newly formed

the storms sit far behind

 

Stilling depressions

confessions of the just begun

under sung to protect the heart

tender starts need time

 

Thoughts saunter

hearts wander through reeds

love pleads in breathes

first steps of the dove-strung

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“…they were like Northern stars…”

Purpose

Posted: February 19, 2012 in choosing faith, contentment, heart, lettng go, pain, purpose, relationships, the next step, unconditional love
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Some people search their whole lives for it. Few see a glimpse; fewer still, will find it.

Even as a child, I knew my soul purpose in life was transition. Whenever a friend was going through a life-changing event, somehow they always turned to me for advice and support. As I moved into adulthood, the trend continued. The more I fought it, the more pain I felt until, one day, I stopped fighting.

I would say it’s a gift, an honor to help people, but honestly it’s not something you ask for. Not only is it completely draining, with that unconditional love and support, loss usually follows. Even if you become lifelong friends, which typically doesn’t happen, you have to let go in order for them to spread their newfound wings.

It’s similar to letting a child go out into the great big world. You want to hold on because you invested so much energy into the relationship (and you love them), but you understand that they need to take the next step. Eventually, everyone must stand alone, strong and heart-ready to face the world.

This is where I typically falter.

When you create such strong connections and watched so many people take that step, you don’t want to lose them. Sometimes you fight, sometimes you cry, and yet other times you lock yourself away in a cabin for the weekend aware that you are better for having known them.

Eventually, you’ll regain balance, make peace with the loss, and find renewed passion for this blessing the universe handed you.

I’ve met some incredible people in my life: writers, poets, artists, musicians, racecar drivers, pilots, architects, engineers, politicians, professors, rocket scientists, and everyday hardworking people.

The one thing that will never change, no matter how much pain I experience, is that I’m thankful… no… honored that they were part of my life.

 

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“…try and see my heart…”

Brushing Keys & Building Dreams

Posted: October 27, 2011 in answers, belief, choosing faith, contentment, deliverance, Drive by life, heart, love, messages, mistakes, purpose, questions, relationships, unconditional love
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It took a flash brighter than lightning on a starless night for me to see. If not for the scream of a handful of words, I might still be blind. I won’t admit to the tears, because I’m too stubborn to let them fall. I won’t admit to the twist in my stomach, because I’m too thick skinned to let it bubble past the surface. I won’t admit defeat, because I don’t really know the meaning. Instead, I’ll let them scrub the insides clean.

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Will you know when your paradigm shifts? Will anyone be there to care? I ask these questions often, and then I wonder if they matter. Mine shifted tonight and when I saw the stars again, my three were right where I left them. The comfort of the familiar steadied me. I let the gathered expectations of the last nine months blow away. They piled up when I wasn’t looking, but then I guess we miss the dust bunnies until we’re stepping on them.

Here’s the hardest part of revelation: when it finally happens, no one may be there to share it and no matter how loud you scream no one will hear it.

Instead, I’ll leave it here. Though you won’t understand every word you’ll feel it with me; the excitement that borderlines mania, the fear that borderlines terror, the hope that borderlines faith. When the sharp breath hits like that wall you didn’t see coming, you’ll know. You’ll see it’s all part of who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be. Seek me out to hear the smile in my voice or walk by with a quick uneasy glance; either way I’ll be here brushing keys and building dreams in cloud shaped castles.

Contentment

Posted: September 16, 2011 in answers, belief, contentment, Drive by life, life, love, messages, patience, questions, relationships, searching, self reflection, taking risks, the next step
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Most days I’m content with the way the wind blows and the sporadic rainfalls of late summer are just enough to clear my head. But the last few months have driven me far from that peace. The simple pleasures of the now are no longer within my grasp. And the frustration is starting to wear on me.

This pathological search mode isn’t part of my baseline. Typically everything has a place and I know where to find it when the need arises, but lately I feel a push I can’t quite quantify. It feels as if I’m being pushed to find the answer to a question I don’t even know. Maybe that’s wrong, because if you broke it down, I think you’d find that something is missing. A part of me that I never noticed before seems empty.

I spent many nights blaming it on the addictions, the lack of contact, writing too much or too little, and those everyday stressors we encounter. The truth is something in me just isn’t there. So my entire being is grasping at straws hoping to catch the right one. The exhaustion of continually pulling back the wrong straw has led me here; back to the page, because if I write it out maybe sense will follow.

I have my doubts, but then that shouldn’t surprise you. I talked about taking risks in my last post. The biggest of which, for me, is believing in myself. Maybe that’s the answer…maybe not. And in those words I reveal something about myself, I think. I am, at the core, a person who needs to find the answers in order to find peace. But how is that possible when the question is obscured?

You may or may not read this. You may or may not care, but then it’s not your job. In the end, I guess it’s just another leg of the journey. Without growth we stagnant and I can think of no greater crime than to sit in one place and never take the next step. So, though I don’t know the question…or answer, I’ll continue to search. Until I find the question, until I know the answers, until the universe shifts again, until exhaustion takes me and I can no longer continue.

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“There’s just too many words we’re never meant to learn…”